I am stepping way out of my comfort zone tonight. I used to love hosting parties. But as my world of panic attacks closed in on me, I stopped doing stuff. I stopped going out. I stopped wanting to talk to people on the phone. I felt like I needed to create a big bubble around myself, so that no triggers were around me.
That is not a way to live. We need people. We are social creatures.
This morning I felt a major panic attack coming on. I am so nervous for this class tonight. I am more than prepared. I am confident in the subject matter. It is just my insecurities in myself and my panic attack triggers kicking in.
As my chest tightened, I felt dizzy. I wanted to curl back up under the covers and cancel everything. I wanted to call my husband and have him come home to watch our daughter. I just couldn't handle it right now.
Nope, that wouldn't work. I have people counting on me.
I walked into the bathroom, where I keep my oils. I put a few drops of Balance and a few drops of Citrus Bliss in my hands. I rubbed them together, cupped them around my nose and mouth and inhaled deeply. I rubbed my hands on my neck and chest. I inhaled the aroma from my hands again.
Ok, I feel a little better.
I took the dog out for his morning walk. I practiced awareness breathing. Inhale 5 counts, hold 4 counts, exhale 5 counts. Inhale, hold, exhale. Ok. Its a little better. Cupped my hands around my nose and mouth and inhaled deeply.
When I got in I felt like the panic attack was about 75% gone. Time for some brief meditation and more awareness breathing. I find that if I get on all fours and do cat/cows it helps. Inhale on cat, exhale on cow. Inhale on cat, Exhale on cow. I repeated this five times.
Phew...almost normal. Still a little anxious. Finish with a prayer. "God, I release these anxieties to your shoulders. I know that you are there for me and I am not alone."
Sigh. Much better.