Monday, September 1, 2014

Really looking at yourself is painful...

I had great hopes and aspirations to be able to kick this thing called obesity in its butt. It didn't happen. Instead, I end up defeated, depressed and at a loss.

Today I went to the mall with my family. The oldest was in desperate need of new shoes, so we headed for one of the discount shoe stores. Overall, it was a good trip to the mall. That was until we went to get in the truck to go home.

I stood there looking at my reflection in the window, while hubby was loading up the youngest in her car seat. I saw this person who was so overweight, that there wasn't any cuteness left. I saw someone who I knew my husband wasn't attracted to anymore. I saw someone on the edge of death.

Before, when I was overweight, I could still see myself as cute. I could see a shape that was at times sexy. But now I see this deformed person who can barely get up from the couch. I will hear the kids screaming from the other room and wonder if I will be able to get to them in time if something were to happen.

Yesterday, we went to my mom's house for her birthday. I sat on the couch looking at the family photographs on the bookshelves. I saw my wedding photo and I was almost brought to tears. I was beautiful. Still overweight by most standards, but I was beautiful. My face wasn't distorted. My skin was glowing. My hair shiny. Granted it was my wedding, but the beauty was under the makeup and hair goo.

I have tried several times to go on a diet. To give up coke, carbs, sugar. I have failed every single time. What is wrong with me. I see myself heading to an early grave. I cannot seem to stop it though. I would love nothing more than having another child, but we agreed unless I could lose 50 pounds, it wasn't going to happen. Not even the intense desire for another child can get me off my butt to lose this weight.

No one can help me but myself, but I just cannot seem to do it. So that is where I stand. Feeling like a loser. One who is the worst kind of loser - one that knows exactly what needs to be done, but is not doing it.

Thank you to my friend Katie, for calling me out. I needed to share what I was feeling. I need to get this out. Maybe something will click and I will figure it out. Maybe one day I will succeed. For now, I am searching for the belief that I will succeed. Maybe that will be the step that I need to move forward.